Pimping Ain't Easy

I feel for women. Though in this instance its not because of years of discrimination, being taken for granted, or being undermined at seemingly at every opportunity. These are all GREAT injustices, & thank heavens they are being corrected. I feel for women in this instance because of another great injustice: the sheer obtuseness of the advances they receive from some men.

I've seen and heard some things happen that should never, EVER happen. They're always fun to watch & listen to, though. Coz all uncomfortable situations are HIIIILAAAARIOUS when its someone else. Three stories in particular come to mind, & since sharing is caring…

Story 1: a lady friend of mine & her girlfriends are out on the town. In this instance, they are with two male companions. Having jirushad sufficiently, the driver (one of the chaps) offers to take the ladies home. My pal was shotgun, so conversation flowed between herself and the driver. She can't remember how exactly this happened, but the conversation turned to *cough cough* masturbation. The driver went off on a triade about his masterful skill levels & techniques, etcetera etcetera. The logical assumption is that it was a joke to break the ice. *cue narrator voice* Then lo & behold, the lady would give up her secrets on the subject! & they would end the night in a sweaty, breathless heap at his place. GOOOO TEAM!

Story 2: Another lady friend is camping with her girlfriends and mutual dude acquaintances. As the night wore on, one dude who was eyeing her got very maji-d. He started small talk, then conversation drifted to *cough cough* the size of his testicles. He spoke of their grandiose & how heavy a burden they were to bear, but he did so for the good of the world. *cue narrator voice* The lady looked on, speechless! "You MUST show me these wonderful orbs!" she yelled in excitement. By night's end they would end up in his tent a sweaty, breathless heap. TWO FOR 0? GOOOO TEEEEAAAAM!

Story 3: Some chap calls another girl pal of mine in the wee hours of the morning. He introduces himself as some chap who goes to the same church as her (don't sneer. That line is all the rage these days) She curtly informs him of the lateness of his call, & that she was sleeping. But did this put him off? Not this Knight in mushaino armour! He proceeded to drop this unstoppable salvo on her:

"I bet you look really pretty when you are sleeping. You should come to my house so I can watch you sleep."

This coming from a chap she doesn't know. Who probably will now stalk her IN CHURCH. Of course I would bet on him! GOOOO TEEEEEAAAM!

It was VERY hard to keep a straight face when I was hearing these stories. First, all these ladies had NO IDEA how conversation switched to the ones in question. Second, how could ANY guy be successful in any attempt to bed a woman after that? (I have seen it happen, though. But that dude is a ninja.)

So the next time you see a lady nodding as some chap waxes lyrical to her, spare a silent prayer for her. Or get your seven chuckles and move on. Because you never know how wrong that conversation could be going…

Do have a tactful & eloquent weekend.

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Now, BEFORE You Lose Your Marbles…

The following is based on actual events. Names have been omitted… Coz he might find me & kick my arse. & who wants that?

One day a hard working man got out of bed, had a shower, drank his tea, yadda yadda. He was new to the neighborhood, a posh leafy suburb in Nairobi. So he decided to take in the scenery & clean, crisp air. He threw on a pair of shorts, old tee and sandals, & set off.

He walked for a while, most likely commending himself on getting to a position to own a house in this area. I mean, right there was nani's house. & right down the road lived the former head of XYZ, right next to the ambassador of Blah Blah country. This is what every parent wanted for their child, & he had GOTTEN IT!

So, after much reflection/ego stroking/smelling of fresh air, our hero makes his way back to the house. Most likely thinking of tea and crumpets, or whatever it was his bourgeoisie neighbours had after their power walks (insert British aristocratic laugh). Unknown to him, there was a shift change in the guards at his residence. & the new guard was not informed about the new mdosi of the house stepping out for a walk. Our hero could see the new guard sizing him up as he walked to the gate of HIS house. He knocked on the gate, & the guard opened up the gate ever so slightly.

Guard: Naweza kukusaidia?

Man: Umm, eeeh. Mimi ndiyo mwenye nyumba.

(The guard looks the man up and down, taking in his shady mode of dress.)

Guard: Aii, nikidhani umekuja nyumba wrong. Una hakika ni hapa?

Man: (amused by the turn of events) Eeh boss, nina hakika.

At this point, our hero could tell there was NO WAY this guard was going to let him in. To HIS house. But could you blame him, a man in a ragged tee, shorts and old slippers just claimed that he lived in this posh, super expensive house. Clearly delusional, this one.

As if this situation couldn't get any more awkward, a police car that was driving by stopped. Most likely drawn by the shady slipper-wearing chap standing outside mdosi's house. They beckoned him to come, & like a good citizen (& in good humour) he did.

Cop: Habari mwanaume.

Man: Habari, Afande. Mko salama leo?

Cop: Eeh, tuko sawa. Nikiuliza, wee ni mfanyi kazi kwa hii nyumba?

Man: (chuckling, in his head) Eeh. Ni vile huyo soldier ni mpya na hajanizoea. Ndiyo najaribu kumweleza.

The cops seemed satisfied with this story, & let our hero get back to sorting himself out. The guard still wasn't having any of it. Not wanting to make a big deal of it, our hero called his wife to come to the gate. Once the guard saw the lady of the house (an odiero) walk up to the gate, he opened up quick fast. Our hero snuck in & hugged his puzzled wife, who asked why she had to come to the gate. I imagine he just smiled & replied: "I just wanted you to see how beautiful it is out here. Just like you"  or something to that effect. The wife was not amused.

Without much incident, our hero walked into the house avec wife. No doubt the guard felt a bit foolish, & certain he'd lose his job. But no such thing happened. In fact, the two are mad chums now. The moral of this story? Instead of losing your mind when weird stuff like this happens, take a deep breath, & have a little fun with it. It'll make a cool tale to tell later.

Our hero has since abandoned all random walks in the 'hood in slippers & shorts. & he went & got the biggest, loudest car he could buy. Try stopping THAT, Mr. Guard!!!

END.

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Party Like Its 199…

Ah, the '90s. 'Twas a good time to grow up. Maziwa ya Nyayo (missed that, drat), random Saba Saba riots keeping me out of school, all those other little bits that made moving from private to public school fun fun, good cartoons… Good times.

Most of the stuff that happened then, I'd like to stay in the past. Like the time in class two when Kama stole 1K from his folks & all the estate kids went on a candy buying spree. With painful results (story for another day). Some things, though, I want back ASAP. Not for nostalgia's sake, but for my sanity. & the list goes…

1. The old KTN

Don't you miss it too? The simple but elegant news set, the brilliant reporting, the awesome music shows (Jam-a-Delic, Rastrut), the stellar programming, the "66" logo… & how it was SOOO much better than KBC, the only other channel at the time. Catherine Kasavuli & Zain Virjee (they could gerrit! & knit a sweater with it!), Fayaz Qureshi, Njoroge Mwaura… All brilliant journalists. & when Maina Kageni had an English name, HAHAHA! What its become now… God help us. Bring it back.

2. Goody Goody.

It was my dentist MANY times, lost muy teeth to it. But it was oh, sooo, GOOOOD! I remember it used to drip all on my sweater, resulting in numerous beatdowns by moms (these detergent ads are lies. Soil your clothes ON PURPOSE in my mother's house and you will be killed). Cadbury, or whoever is responsible, bring it back.

3. Crunchies

From the super cool "I'm so exciiited!!" advert with chocolate beings diving into chocolate moats, to its oh-so-super-awesomeness, I really do miss it. I remember when no kid in their right mind bought Fudge & Mint Choc because Crunchie was just the ooooneee *insert Trevor Noah impression*. To the relevant parent company, bring it back.

4. The Different Fanta Types.

How we moved from a bajillion types of Fanta (yes I still drink it) to the fistful we have now, I dunno. Sparberry, Strawberry, Cream Soda, Apple, Passion… There was an abundance. I can remember when Blackcurrant had just checked in. Coca Cola, style up & bring them back.

5. IT Insecticide.

This when insecticide ACTUALLY WORKED. Before Doom, before insecticide was odourless. When you ACTUALLY had to clear a room after spraying that shiii, lest you choke to death. IT was lethal yo the point it killed my folks' TV. There was a roach on it, I sprayed it with wreckless abandon, and while the roach choked to death Mr. TV spluttered & died. Still haven't fessed up for that (hope my parents NEVER read this).

6. The Economy

Damn, it used to be hard to break a thao note. I don't think I EVER held one as a kid. When 50 bob would get you fries, sausage AND soda in CBD. When fuel used to be 49/= a litre, & moms STILL used to complain it was too expensive. Say what you want about M-oh-1, but life was cheaper then. If people were living from hand-to-mouth then, we must be living hand-in-mouth now.

Do enjoy your weekend.

What's on my playlist? Alexi Murdoch - All My Days.

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Intercultural Communication

The Chinese are taking over. They're building our buildings (that sounded odd) & paving our roads, setting up CCTV & even bought the rights to digital TV broadcasting in the +254. AND they have the biggest reserve of Dollars in the world, more than the country the currency comes from!!! (Like if Somalia had more Ksh. than we did... Oh, wait...) If Russell Peters is right, the world will end up Beige at this rate. At least there'll be no more racism!

I have Chinese neighbours. & yes, they do work for China Wu Yi (road constructors extraordinaré). Considering where I live, that's an odd happenstance. Needless to say noisemaking has gone down in the flat. I think its coz of the fear that they will break through the wall and kick our collective arses. & that wouldn't be a good look, would it?

The one time I tried to say hi to one of them, he just enthusiastically shouted "Jambo!" & walked away. Foreigners are weird like that, they say one Swa word & beam with pride. Another time we had no water. I walked up the stairs to find the Chinese guy locking up his flat. Like a good jirani I said hi. Chinese dude cuts me off and says "No waaater! Oh nooo!" while shaking his head. & I died of laughter, in my head. To avoid arse whooping.

But I like these Chinese homies. Every time there's something wrong in the building, they complain to no end. Which makes the Kenyan tenants look complacent as shite, but hey. & the caretaker is such a kiss-arse, it's good for everyone in the end. They're super quiet. I think they even mute their TV & read lips instead (coz they're Shaolin like that). They could be commiting mass murder in their flat, & you could never guess.

Apparently they're mad into debaushare & horgies (according to a chica pal who lives in the flat under them), but you'd never see said chicas exiting or entering. Sneaky shaolin vibes. Taking the literal approach to "go forth & multiply", well in. They fit in well to the +254 scheme of things.

So I hope everyone is ready for Communism. I know I am. Because they came here to build, populate & basically take over. Brushing up on my Mandarin & hanging out with my Chinese peeps next door. So when the take over happens, I'll be ahead of the line.

Do enjoy your weekend.

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Goal! Goal! Goal!!!

So now that the "striker type" was covered in a previous post (scroll down a few), it only made sense to cover the different "goal types" can that scored.

1. Team Goal

These involve large amounts of "passing", i.e. great assistance from your cohorts. They tend to be well set up, and need a great amount of skill on the part of both the cohorts and the "striker". Great for replays.

2. Crosses & Through Balls

These are heavily reliant on the expertise of the cohort, & normally occur in cases of heavy cockblocking abound. The cohort splits the defence with a brilliant through pass or cross. The "striker" then latches on to this opportunity to score accordingly.

3. Long range scorchers

These are goals that one has no business scoring. More often done in blind hope due to lack of success in approach play. Cockblockers move out of the way of these ones, less they lose a limb. As they say, a desperate man...

4. Free Kicks

These are of two types: the finesse and the brute force. They always start with an "infringement", a breakdown in the chipsing attempt. After a huddle with the cohorts, the "striker" unleashes a powerful striker. Or a cohort sets up a dummy run to distract cockblockers, leaving the "striker" free to score.

5. Penalty

A grevious mistake on the part of a cockblocker results in a one on one chance with the target. These are deceptive, and overconfidence leads to a weak attempt that WILL be saved. Best to pick a "spot", i.e. tactic, then hit hard & true.

6. Rebound

This is from the previous attempt of another "striker". They almost made it but great cockblocking foiled them. Or the lady who was with her chap all night just had a falling out with him. The opportunity is still there for a moment, so the expert "poacher" pounces.

7. Individual Goal

This is the preserve of the highly skilled individual. The striker dribbles past several "defenders" before easing the ball into the back of the 'net. Never a forceful endeavour, it is an exhibition of finesse.

Whew, and that's that. My inner 5yr old keeps running rampant. Now that he has been appeased, I can go back to the important things. Like cartoons!

Do enjoy your weekend.

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C.R.E.A.M.

*C.R.E.A.M. - Cash Rules Everything Around Me. A term coined by the Wu Tang Clan, & a superior hip hop track.

There's been a recurrent argument myself & @ch1ps_beba keep having, strangely enough with women. Its about money, more so that it can get you ANYTHING you desire on this earth (the women mostly disagreed). Everything short of the positive supernatural, that is (coz Jésus owns EVERYTHING, what can I possibly bribe him with?).

There are a lot of differing basic principles about money, and a lot of misconceptions. So in this episode, I will argue for my stand, starting each argument with people's statements.

1. Money can't buy you happiness.

Yes it can. Think of all the things you have wanted but couldn't get. From that toy when you were a wee snot-nosed tot, to that phone with über cool features last week. All because you didn't have money. Would getting said material things make you happy, if only for the moment? Would the ability to feed, clothe & provide shelter for yourself and family (where applicable) comfortably make you happy? I think so. I know I would be ecstatic, but I digress...

2. Money can't buy you Love.

No it won't, directly anyway, but it helps. & I do not refer to the 'cash transaction, one night of exctasy' type of love. Men, pay attention now. One of the most important qualities a woman looks for in a man later in life (or now, even) is the ability to provide. In the Stone Age, it would've been your strength, ability to hunt & provide security. Today, all these aspects of provision are more or less linked to finances. Enter money. Because that chap in the Merc will always be perceived to be able to provide more than the chap in a Probox (how I hate those things! But a story for another day).

3. Money can't hide the fact that you are stupid.

Some people are just obstinate, & languish in their lower intellect for eternity. But for those with good sense, the best cure for obtuseness is education. & education is the most expensive undertaking you can engage in in Kenya today. That's why when you got a bad grade in school, your parents were most unamused *cue belt crackle*. Money can get you into the best schools to get you the best 'brain'. Whether you follow up on this opportunity is entirely up to the individual.

4. Money can't hide the fact that you are unattractive.

Get plastic surgery. Or augmentations. Or you could just improve your wardrobe to make yourself appealing. Because sex appeal is not just about the body, but how we dress it. Even the prettiest princess needs the royal robes & crown to be complete. Otherwise she's just a nondescript.

5. Money is the Root of All Evil.

This is my favourite. Money is a piece of paper or a metal coin. An inanimate object. How this can ooze evil & drive one to madness is beyond me. Rather, it is (some) human beings who are evil. They steal money from others & horde to facilitate their gluttonous desires *cough POLITICIANS cough*. Money is the means to an end, lest we forget. If we went back to cowrie shells, don't be surprised to see some yelling 'Cowrie shells are the root of all evil!' & then what...?

*Cow and Chicken voice* END.

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What I Went To School For

So, University. Its hard to believe its finally over, how one day (Graduation) sums up 3, 4 or 5 odd years of 'education'. Education with regards to books & smarts. Education with regards to the social, academic & even spiritual. Sitting in that line waiting to be 'commenced' into the 'real world', the importance of school in its totality & lessons it taught finally hit me (So thank you Moms & Pops for forcing me to go).

So my list of top lessons goes like this:

*The best teachers will educate you about class work & life.

*Going to class religiously doesn't guarantee good grades.

*Not going to class AT ALL is an extreme sport. You're bound to break something.

*It is imperative that you have a plan. In EVERYTHING you do.

*Books are important, but so is living. Find a balance now to save learning this in future.

*In as much as we are there to learn, we're also there to explore our talents.

*You only need a handful of friends. The ones who'll tell you 'Hiyo hairstyle? Hapana!' or 'Those clothes? No.'

*Because someone is in university doesn't mean they aren't ignorant.

*There's something strangely gratifying about watching someone else cock up spectacularly.

*Having a constructive argument with some human beings is next to impossible.

*Some human beings have TOO MANY PROBLEMS.

*Never underestimate the importance of a level-headed partner (never thought I'd say THAT).

*The best way to avoid being derailed is to RUN AWAY.

*Learn from other people's mistakes. Because children are a MASSIVE commitment, & herpes is forever...

A special congratulations to USIU Class of 2011. All the people who I met there, from the soft spoken & withdrawn to the downright mental, thank you. You have taught me & many others a great deal, & made us ready (partly) for the madness that is this world.

For Oscar, Carol & all those who should have graduated with us: we hope to make you proud. Love.

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