Fight Night (Bonus)

Setting: Boy is walking up to meet girl he is darting at her favourite spot. The rest is up to your imagination…

Ladies & gentlemen, the most anticipated heavyweight clash of the year is here. It’s the veteran versus the newcomer. The old-school versus the new school. & the stats make for a very interesting bout. Joe Average: new to the scene but undefeated. Fearsome competitor & the fastest on his feet in the business. In the blue corner we have Friend’s Corner. This fearsome competitor has claimed many illustrious scalps in a star studded career. Without further a-do, let’s get it on!

First few rounds have been sketchy, with both fighters feeling out each other’s weaknesses. But it’s the beginning of the fourth round, & Joe Average comes out aggressively. He lands his trademark combinations to the body & the head of the veteran. A dazzling array of footwork ensues, & Joe Average is in the ascendancy. The power and precision seem to be too much for Friend’s Corner, who is seemingly saved by the bell signaling the end of the round.

Deep into round seven & it’s been all Joe Average. The youngster has seemed almost cocky at times, but who can blame him? Friend’s Corner has offered no resistance, & the effects are beginning to show. But the veteran has made a name from unlikely comebacks… Like what we are seeing now. Joe Average moves in for the uppercut… The veteran evades! Devastating blows to the body! The youngster is reeling! The crowd goes wild! Friend’s Corner moves in, trying to penetrate his opponent’s defense… & lands the uppercut! Joe Average is down! Pandemonium! The youngster gets up at the count of seven. Clearly made of stern stuff, he is.

The tenth and final round, & what a fight it has been. Since getting knocked down, Joe Average has been aggressive in his approach. But Friend’s Corner has held his ground, seemingly going for a Judges’ Decision rather than the K.O. Friend’s Corner bobs & weaves, tiring out the youngster. The crowd cheers as the veteran seems to be taunting Joe Average. Joe with an aggressive assault… Connects with the uppercut! Friend’s Corner is on the ropes! He pushes Joe out but the youngster returns with a flurry of blows. Friend’s Corner weaves out and to the centre. Joe follows eager to kill off the match. The veteran evades a combination & lands blows to the body. Joe is STILL coming at him! Friend’s Corner with the right hook… It’s a fake! Joe falls for it, & receives a devastating left shot to the jaw. Lights out for Joe Average! The referee counts… It’s all over! Victory for Friend’s Corner!

Risky Business

Upon extensive research (and consultation with various qubaffs), I have come to accept that there are only two types of risks. ‘Only two?’ you may say. Beeeecaaaause the world is much simpler when it’s in black and white: no grey areas. I encourage you to try it for the New Year.

Anyway, to these said ‘risks’. First, we have calculated risks. For example: boy meets pretty girl on the rave. Boy has conversation with girl, sees that things are going well. Boy has huddle with other boys, & upon hearing positive feedback (meaning she has no outstanding moshene) he takes her to the Woodwork-a Waaaaakashop.

So that’s not the best example, but you get the drift. It’s taking a gamble based on research. This technically limits the risk involved, so it’s more of an assurance. & while most of us think, “Hey! I do that!” let’s pause for a second.

No. 2: Haphazard risks. This is where boy is in a club. Boy came wearing his freshest shoes to improve chances of scoring a la Leo Messi. In the melee of passing through the crowd, random qubaff scuffs said boy’s shoes. Boy gets angered. Boy starts a fight. Not taking into consideration that the random qubaff will hit him across the jaw with a beer bottle (Mututho Law, anyone?). This will lead to hospitalization due to fractured jaw. So, 6k for new shoes or 100k for hospital bills?

Safe to say all of us have made a mistake this daft at least 10 times. Sadder though is that Kenyans around us seem to do this ALL THE TIME! This leads to the assumption that goes “I’m surrounded by idiots.” (Scar, Lion King 01). Rather than be the rule, try to be the exception this year. Who knows, it may even keep you out of the hospital?

Tisk Tisk

So this week I undoubtedly have done the daftest thing EVER so far in my life. I lost my passport. In another country. *DOH!* Yes, yes. Stupid doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. To make it even worse, the US (from henceforth +1) has raised its terror alert to Orange *dramatic music*. Even England is having a hissy fit over some terror alert! So a random Kenyan with no passport… Not a good look.

Rather than have a cow, the people around me decided to be cool about it. So it was road trip time in the +1. As the nearest +254 Embassy is 9 hours away (9! Whot!), the drive was on. Driving for 9 hours will obviously lead to incredibly bored observations. Every state in the +1 has a clever tag on its number plate. For example, North Carolina’s reads ‘First in Flight’. Beeecaaaauseee the Wright Brothers tested their plane there. Washington DC’s reads ‘Taxation without Representation’. Whatever THAT was about, I dunno…

But it got me thinking. Since +254 is instituting counties, it would be kinda cool for each to have its own number plate. Complete with snazzy catch phrase. I can see it now…

*Kogelo - We run the World!

*Kasarani – The 24 Hour Economy

*Kitui – Noo Va!

I realize now that the hardest place to be a Kenyan is in Kenya. The guys in DC were super cool & didn’t even charge me for my temporary documents! & we chapad stories about the Hague-ees (patent pending) & why they had bottiz of Kibao in the display case for Kenyan products! Aki Kenyans…

I finally have to concede that the +1 is pretty awesome. There are little to no Vitz’ (my resident Redneck Billy Rae said, “My V8 has misfires bigger than that car”). The people are well behaved (for the most part). The infrastructure is MAAAAD! & you can get anything you want if you work hard enough. True story. & you’ll be paying bills for the rest of your natural life, but heeeey…

So I guess it’s to the +254 very soon. It has been missed, but its sub was pretty cool. & if anyone sees a passport with a random Kenyan qubaff’s picture on it, holla!