Pimping Ain't Easy

I feel for women. Though in this instance its not because of years of discrimination, being taken for granted, or being undermined at seemingly at every opportunity. These are all GREAT injustices, & thank heavens they are being corrected. I feel for women in this instance because of another great injustice: the sheer obtuseness of the advances they receive from some men.

I've seen and heard some things happen that should never, EVER happen. They're always fun to watch & listen to, though. Coz all uncomfortable situations are HIIIILAAAARIOUS when its someone else. Three stories in particular come to mind, & since sharing is caring…

Story 1: a lady friend of mine & her girlfriends are out on the town. In this instance, they are with two male companions. Having jirushad sufficiently, the driver (one of the chaps) offers to take the ladies home. My pal was shotgun, so conversation flowed between herself and the driver. She can't remember how exactly this happened, but the conversation turned to *cough cough* masturbation. The driver went off on a triade about his masterful skill levels & techniques, etcetera etcetera. The logical assumption is that it was a joke to break the ice. *cue narrator voice* Then lo & behold, the lady would give up her secrets on the subject! & they would end the night in a sweaty, breathless heap at his place. GOOOO TEAM!

Story 2: Another lady friend is camping with her girlfriends and mutual dude acquaintances. As the night wore on, one dude who was eyeing her got very maji-d. He started small talk, then conversation drifted to *cough cough* the size of his testicles. He spoke of their grandiose & how heavy a burden they were to bear, but he did so for the good of the world. *cue narrator voice* The lady looked on, speechless! "You MUST show me these wonderful orbs!" she yelled in excitement. By night's end they would end up in his tent a sweaty, breathless heap. TWO FOR 0? GOOOO TEEEEAAAAM!

Story 3: Some chap calls another girl pal of mine in the wee hours of the morning. He introduces himself as some chap who goes to the same church as her (don't sneer. That line is all the rage these days) She curtly informs him of the lateness of his call, & that she was sleeping. But did this put him off? Not this Knight in mushaino armour! He proceeded to drop this unstoppable salvo on her:

"I bet you look really pretty when you are sleeping. You should come to my house so I can watch you sleep."

This coming from a chap she doesn't know. Who probably will now stalk her IN CHURCH. Of course I would bet on him! GOOOO TEEEEEAAAM!

It was VERY hard to keep a straight face when I was hearing these stories. First, all these ladies had NO IDEA how conversation switched to the ones in question. Second, how could ANY guy be successful in any attempt to bed a woman after that? (I have seen it happen, though. But that dude is a ninja.)

So the next time you see a lady nodding as some chap waxes lyrical to her, spare a silent prayer for her. Or get your seven chuckles and move on. Because you never know how wrong that conversation could be going…

Do have a tactful & eloquent weekend.

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Now, BEFORE You Lose Your Marbles…

The following is based on actual events. Names have been omitted… Coz he might find me & kick my arse. & who wants that?

One day a hard working man got out of bed, had a shower, drank his tea, yadda yadda. He was new to the neighborhood, a posh leafy suburb in Nairobi. So he decided to take in the scenery & clean, crisp air. He threw on a pair of shorts, old tee and sandals, & set off.

He walked for a while, most likely commending himself on getting to a position to own a house in this area. I mean, right there was nani's house. & right down the road lived the former head of XYZ, right next to the ambassador of Blah Blah country. This is what every parent wanted for their child, & he had GOTTEN IT!

So, after much reflection/ego stroking/smelling of fresh air, our hero makes his way back to the house. Most likely thinking of tea and crumpets, or whatever it was his bourgeoisie neighbours had after their power walks (insert British aristocratic laugh). Unknown to him, there was a shift change in the guards at his residence. & the new guard was not informed about the new mdosi of the house stepping out for a walk. Our hero could see the new guard sizing him up as he walked to the gate of HIS house. He knocked on the gate, & the guard opened up the gate ever so slightly.

Guard: Naweza kukusaidia?

Man: Umm, eeeh. Mimi ndiyo mwenye nyumba.

(The guard looks the man up and down, taking in his shady mode of dress.)

Guard: Aii, nikidhani umekuja nyumba wrong. Una hakika ni hapa?

Man: (amused by the turn of events) Eeh boss, nina hakika.

At this point, our hero could tell there was NO WAY this guard was going to let him in. To HIS house. But could you blame him, a man in a ragged tee, shorts and old slippers just claimed that he lived in this posh, super expensive house. Clearly delusional, this one.

As if this situation couldn't get any more awkward, a police car that was driving by stopped. Most likely drawn by the shady slipper-wearing chap standing outside mdosi's house. They beckoned him to come, & like a good citizen (& in good humour) he did.

Cop: Habari mwanaume.

Man: Habari, Afande. Mko salama leo?

Cop: Eeh, tuko sawa. Nikiuliza, wee ni mfanyi kazi kwa hii nyumba?

Man: (chuckling, in his head) Eeh. Ni vile huyo soldier ni mpya na hajanizoea. Ndiyo najaribu kumweleza.

The cops seemed satisfied with this story, & let our hero get back to sorting himself out. The guard still wasn't having any of it. Not wanting to make a big deal of it, our hero called his wife to come to the gate. Once the guard saw the lady of the house (an odiero) walk up to the gate, he opened up quick fast. Our hero snuck in & hugged his puzzled wife, who asked why she had to come to the gate. I imagine he just smiled & replied: "I just wanted you to see how beautiful it is out here. Just like you"  or something to that effect. The wife was not amused.

Without much incident, our hero walked into the house avec wife. No doubt the guard felt a bit foolish, & certain he'd lose his job. But no such thing happened. In fact, the two are mad chums now. The moral of this story? Instead of losing your mind when weird stuff like this happens, take a deep breath, & have a little fun with it. It'll make a cool tale to tell later.

Our hero has since abandoned all random walks in the 'hood in slippers & shorts. & he went & got the biggest, loudest car he could buy. Try stopping THAT, Mr. Guard!!!

END.

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Party Like Its 199…

Ah, the '90s. 'Twas a good time to grow up. Maziwa ya Nyayo (missed that, drat), random Saba Saba riots keeping me out of school, all those other little bits that made moving from private to public school fun fun, good cartoons… Good times.

Most of the stuff that happened then, I'd like to stay in the past. Like the time in class two when Kama stole 1K from his folks & all the estate kids went on a candy buying spree. With painful results (story for another day). Some things, though, I want back ASAP. Not for nostalgia's sake, but for my sanity. & the list goes…

1. The old KTN

Don't you miss it too? The simple but elegant news set, the brilliant reporting, the awesome music shows (Jam-a-Delic, Rastrut), the stellar programming, the "66" logo… & how it was SOOO much better than KBC, the only other channel at the time. Catherine Kasavuli & Zain Virjee (they could gerrit! & knit a sweater with it!), Fayaz Qureshi, Njoroge Mwaura… All brilliant journalists. & when Maina Kageni had an English name, HAHAHA! What its become now… God help us. Bring it back.

2. Goody Goody.

It was my dentist MANY times, lost muy teeth to it. But it was oh, sooo, GOOOOD! I remember it used to drip all on my sweater, resulting in numerous beatdowns by moms (these detergent ads are lies. Soil your clothes ON PURPOSE in my mother's house and you will be killed). Cadbury, or whoever is responsible, bring it back.

3. Crunchies

From the super cool "I'm so exciiited!!" advert with chocolate beings diving into chocolate moats, to its oh-so-super-awesomeness, I really do miss it. I remember when no kid in their right mind bought Fudge & Mint Choc because Crunchie was just the ooooneee *insert Trevor Noah impression*. To the relevant parent company, bring it back.

4. The Different Fanta Types.

How we moved from a bajillion types of Fanta (yes I still drink it) to the fistful we have now, I dunno. Sparberry, Strawberry, Cream Soda, Apple, Passion… There was an abundance. I can remember when Blackcurrant had just checked in. Coca Cola, style up & bring them back.

5. IT Insecticide.

This when insecticide ACTUALLY WORKED. Before Doom, before insecticide was odourless. When you ACTUALLY had to clear a room after spraying that shiii, lest you choke to death. IT was lethal yo the point it killed my folks' TV. There was a roach on it, I sprayed it with wreckless abandon, and while the roach choked to death Mr. TV spluttered & died. Still haven't fessed up for that (hope my parents NEVER read this).

6. The Economy

Damn, it used to be hard to break a thao note. I don't think I EVER held one as a kid. When 50 bob would get you fries, sausage AND soda in CBD. When fuel used to be 49/= a litre, & moms STILL used to complain it was too expensive. Say what you want about M-oh-1, but life was cheaper then. If people were living from hand-to-mouth then, we must be living hand-in-mouth now.

Do enjoy your weekend.

What's on my playlist? Alexi Murdoch - All My Days.

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