Now, BEFORE You Lose Your Marbles…

The following is based on actual events. Names have been omitted… Coz he might find me & kick my arse. & who wants that?

One day a hard working man got out of bed, had a shower, drank his tea, yadda yadda. He was new to the neighborhood, a posh leafy suburb in Nairobi. So he decided to take in the scenery & clean, crisp air. He threw on a pair of shorts, old tee and sandals, & set off.

He walked for a while, most likely commending himself on getting to a position to own a house in this area. I mean, right there was nani's house. & right down the road lived the former head of XYZ, right next to the ambassador of Blah Blah country. This is what every parent wanted for their child, & he had GOTTEN IT!

So, after much reflection/ego stroking/smelling of fresh air, our hero makes his way back to the house. Most likely thinking of tea and crumpets, or whatever it was his bourgeoisie neighbours had after their power walks (insert British aristocratic laugh). Unknown to him, there was a shift change in the guards at his residence. & the new guard was not informed about the new mdosi of the house stepping out for a walk. Our hero could see the new guard sizing him up as he walked to the gate of HIS house. He knocked on the gate, & the guard opened up the gate ever so slightly.

Guard: Naweza kukusaidia?

Man: Umm, eeeh. Mimi ndiyo mwenye nyumba.

(The guard looks the man up and down, taking in his shady mode of dress.)

Guard: Aii, nikidhani umekuja nyumba wrong. Una hakika ni hapa?

Man: (amused by the turn of events) Eeh boss, nina hakika.

At this point, our hero could tell there was NO WAY this guard was going to let him in. To HIS house. But could you blame him, a man in a ragged tee, shorts and old slippers just claimed that he lived in this posh, super expensive house. Clearly delusional, this one.

As if this situation couldn't get any more awkward, a police car that was driving by stopped. Most likely drawn by the shady slipper-wearing chap standing outside mdosi's house. They beckoned him to come, & like a good citizen (& in good humour) he did.

Cop: Habari mwanaume.

Man: Habari, Afande. Mko salama leo?

Cop: Eeh, tuko sawa. Nikiuliza, wee ni mfanyi kazi kwa hii nyumba?

Man: (chuckling, in his head) Eeh. Ni vile huyo soldier ni mpya na hajanizoea. Ndiyo najaribu kumweleza.

The cops seemed satisfied with this story, & let our hero get back to sorting himself out. The guard still wasn't having any of it. Not wanting to make a big deal of it, our hero called his wife to come to the gate. Once the guard saw the lady of the house (an odiero) walk up to the gate, he opened up quick fast. Our hero snuck in & hugged his puzzled wife, who asked why she had to come to the gate. I imagine he just smiled & replied: "I just wanted you to see how beautiful it is out here. Just like you"  or something to that effect. The wife was not amused.

Without much incident, our hero walked into the house avec wife. No doubt the guard felt a bit foolish, & certain he'd lose his job. But no such thing happened. In fact, the two are mad chums now. The moral of this story? Instead of losing your mind when weird stuff like this happens, take a deep breath, & have a little fun with it. It'll make a cool tale to tell later.

Our hero has since abandoned all random walks in the 'hood in slippers & shorts. & he went & got the biggest, loudest car he could buy. Try stopping THAT, Mr. Guard!!!

END.

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