Wale SI Sisi

Still in the +1 (It’s kinda arrogant to give yourself that code. But hey…), & some the differences between here & back home (read +254) range from the very subtle to the stupendous. Let me just say that +1 isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Rather than a horde of inbred Rednecks waiting at the airport to shout unprintables at the immigrants, most people are actually chilled out. But as a Kenyan, some of the systems would never, EVER work back home! The exhibits are as follows:

a)     Da Brat JUST got out of jail. She served three years and will be on probation for seven. For hitting someone in the face! ATI!? In Kenya you have to commit murder SEVERALLY to get that kind of sentence!

b)     If you buy something from a shop & it doesn’t work, you can take it back! To any outlet in the country! & get a full refund!! Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Now, in MY country…

c)      If you thought weaves in Kenya were bad, huku it’s murderous. EVERYONE has one, ranging from up comers to senior citizens. The justification is that it’s cheaper than braiding (which it isn’t, anyway). My question is: none of your friends know how to braid? In MY country…

d)     I haven't seen a single accident since I came. People are almost always very civil on the road. My mom’s friend told me of how here recently arrived cousin drove on the pavement ati kuhepa jam. Hehe, the police were not amused.

e)     The police will ALWAYS find you if you do something wrong. You’d rather just turn yourself in & save the embarrassing cameo on ‘Cops’ (which is hilarious!). Now, in MY country…

f)       Most houses don’t have fences. (?) It sounds like a wierd observation, I know. But you need to remember that in Kenya most houses have fences so elaborate you’d think it’s a De Beers outpost…

g)     Priorities, priorities. This is to Jose & Tyrone. When your rims are more expensive than your car and/or your house… Some Ting Wong!

h)    Contrary to popular belief, you CAN beat your children. & know I know for a fact, you MUST beat your children! My mother would have killed ¾ of these whiny children if we were in the +254. Oh, the US constitution states that a guardian can discipline a child ‘using reasonable & appropriate force bar deadly force’. & all the Kenyan parents said…

i)       You can get food delivered to your house. Now, let’s think for a sec. You deliver said pizzas to Omosh, Wafula and Kimani. In Dandora. Let’s just say not leaving with the money is the LEAST of your worries!

In a very strange way, I do miss my country. OK, I lie. I miss the people, though. Be thankful that you were born in Kenya even if you don’t like it there. It’s so messed up that when you do go to a place where systems work, you’re golden. True story.

P.S. Happy New Year! Try doing something different for 2011… do what YOU want!

Hazards of Manhood

A close friend of mine has been going through some stuff.  At first I thought what he was going through was pretty isolated, but it turns out a lot of guys do too. So pay close attention, majamaa. You may learn something, because I did.

For anonymity purposes (& because it’s cool!), let’s call said friend Q.

So Q has been going out with his girl for a while. He puts it at past a year. & in this world we live in, that’s longer than most marriages. Shame… Anyway, he’s quite fond of her and would never do anything to hurt her or what they have. Sounds pretty nice, eh?

Enter the problem. Q met an attractive young woman and they got to talking. (Makes it sound classier than what actually happens, no?)  Then came the texting. Then the calling (Club 20, a gift and a curse). & when two consenting adults call each other for that long that late at night, you kinda come up to the place where you talk about.. Well… Physical stuff.

It really bugs Q that he has so much fun with ‘attractive young woman’ & something in him wants to see if she can back up that smack talk from all those nights. She kept at him for them to hook up. & he wanted to, with all of his might he did. The suspense and danger seemed to be too much for him. But he loves his girl, & their relationship is doing fine. Enter the problem: why create a problem where there is none?  Why the attraction to something so potentially dangerous?

A wise woman (#Thogi) once told me: “No woman wants to be Number Two. If some girl knows you have a girlfriend, AND she’s still on your stories…” Let’s just say she’s not looking for a happy ending. Now the problem of being a man in such a situation is that you never, EEEVER think said woman has an ulterior moment. That would mean questioning yourself, your ‘game’, your masculinity. & we can’t have that, can we? & besides, she doesn’t know me or my girl. Why would she want to sabotage our relationship?

This is not justification for what others have done before me or any other man.  Just that every man needs to understand that this madness may be bubbling under his surface. I once heard one of my friends say, “If you eat Filet Mignon every night, sometimes you just want fries.” This would explain why someone with an insanely hot woman would cheat on her with… You know. Eww.

It all comes down to your moral compass, what you think is right or wrong. As for Q, we’ll never know if he did the right thing. Or the damned thing…

P.S: Happy Holidays! ‘tis the season… To remember the original reason for the day.

Excursion To The North

I may have been here (here being North Carolina, USA) only a few weeks, but as the inquisitive Kenyan that I am, I've learnt a great deal. From mostly being inside the house, because us of the darker skin pigmentation were NOT built for winter (we'll get to that). Here's 10 things the Kenyan in me has had to deal with so far...


1. Kenyans are EVERYWHERE! & if they find out you're from the +254, its a celebration! Oh, and tribalism only exists in Kenya. Go figure.

2. Be ready for stupid questions like "You can speak English?!" or "They have internet in your country?!". Almost stabbed some schoopid woman. With my Bic Fine. Forgive them, for they do not know...

3. Oh, internet is SOOO a basic need! I see it now...

4. Pardon my French, but school is RUBBISH! Repeat after me, "All you need is YouTube..."

5. As a result of being able to get EVERYTHING, from food to A CAR, to your house, there is little need to ever venture out of it. Enter YouTube clips on weight loss excercise...

6.The stuff with "70% Discount" written on it is actually much cooler than the normal stuff. Ama its the Kenyan in me, hmmm...

7. Credit cards are evil. Avoid them with the same intensity you would chlamydia.

8. The shortest distance between two points has always been a straight line. But thanks to motorways, a 1km trip turns into a 5km one! Thika Road massive, be prepared...

9. Not ONCE since I came here have I seen dust or mud. So I've never had to clean my shoes, clothes & nearly forgot I have allergies...

10. HD is VERY serious. I learnt this when watching Titanic (circa the Second World War) and was a groupie for the ship sinking scene. Shindwo.


Very randomly, Kenyans have a terminology for other Kenyans who've just arrived in the States. They call them "Fresh off the Boat". Now I'm not one to draw parallels, but HEEEEE????