Fight Night (Bonus)

Setting: Boy is walking up to meet girl he is darting at her favourite spot. The rest is up to your imagination…

Ladies & gentlemen, the most anticipated heavyweight clash of the year is here. It’s the veteran versus the newcomer. The old-school versus the new school. & the stats make for a very interesting bout. Joe Average: new to the scene but undefeated. Fearsome competitor & the fastest on his feet in the business. In the blue corner we have Friend’s Corner. This fearsome competitor has claimed many illustrious scalps in a star studded career. Without further a-do, let’s get it on!

First few rounds have been sketchy, with both fighters feeling out each other’s weaknesses. But it’s the beginning of the fourth round, & Joe Average comes out aggressively. He lands his trademark combinations to the body & the head of the veteran. A dazzling array of footwork ensues, & Joe Average is in the ascendancy. The power and precision seem to be too much for Friend’s Corner, who is seemingly saved by the bell signaling the end of the round.

Deep into round seven & it’s been all Joe Average. The youngster has seemed almost cocky at times, but who can blame him? Friend’s Corner has offered no resistance, & the effects are beginning to show. But the veteran has made a name from unlikely comebacks… Like what we are seeing now. Joe Average moves in for the uppercut… The veteran evades! Devastating blows to the body! The youngster is reeling! The crowd goes wild! Friend’s Corner moves in, trying to penetrate his opponent’s defense… & lands the uppercut! Joe Average is down! Pandemonium! The youngster gets up at the count of seven. Clearly made of stern stuff, he is.

The tenth and final round, & what a fight it has been. Since getting knocked down, Joe Average has been aggressive in his approach. But Friend’s Corner has held his ground, seemingly going for a Judges’ Decision rather than the K.O. Friend’s Corner bobs & weaves, tiring out the youngster. The crowd cheers as the veteran seems to be taunting Joe Average. Joe with an aggressive assault… Connects with the uppercut! Friend’s Corner is on the ropes! He pushes Joe out but the youngster returns with a flurry of blows. Friend’s Corner weaves out and to the centre. Joe follows eager to kill off the match. The veteran evades a combination & lands blows to the body. Joe is STILL coming at him! Friend’s Corner with the right hook… It’s a fake! Joe falls for it, & receives a devastating left shot to the jaw. Lights out for Joe Average! The referee counts… It’s all over! Victory for Friend’s Corner!

Risky Business

Upon extensive research (and consultation with various qubaffs), I have come to accept that there are only two types of risks. ‘Only two?’ you may say. Beeeecaaaause the world is much simpler when it’s in black and white: no grey areas. I encourage you to try it for the New Year.

Anyway, to these said ‘risks’. First, we have calculated risks. For example: boy meets pretty girl on the rave. Boy has conversation with girl, sees that things are going well. Boy has huddle with other boys, & upon hearing positive feedback (meaning she has no outstanding moshene) he takes her to the Woodwork-a Waaaaakashop.

So that’s not the best example, but you get the drift. It’s taking a gamble based on research. This technically limits the risk involved, so it’s more of an assurance. & while most of us think, “Hey! I do that!” let’s pause for a second.

No. 2: Haphazard risks. This is where boy is in a club. Boy came wearing his freshest shoes to improve chances of scoring a la Leo Messi. In the melee of passing through the crowd, random qubaff scuffs said boy’s shoes. Boy gets angered. Boy starts a fight. Not taking into consideration that the random qubaff will hit him across the jaw with a beer bottle (Mututho Law, anyone?). This will lead to hospitalization due to fractured jaw. So, 6k for new shoes or 100k for hospital bills?

Safe to say all of us have made a mistake this daft at least 10 times. Sadder though is that Kenyans around us seem to do this ALL THE TIME! This leads to the assumption that goes “I’m surrounded by idiots.” (Scar, Lion King 01). Rather than be the rule, try to be the exception this year. Who knows, it may even keep you out of the hospital?

Tisk Tisk

So this week I undoubtedly have done the daftest thing EVER so far in my life. I lost my passport. In another country. *DOH!* Yes, yes. Stupid doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. To make it even worse, the US (from henceforth +1) has raised its terror alert to Orange *dramatic music*. Even England is having a hissy fit over some terror alert! So a random Kenyan with no passport… Not a good look.

Rather than have a cow, the people around me decided to be cool about it. So it was road trip time in the +1. As the nearest +254 Embassy is 9 hours away (9! Whot!), the drive was on. Driving for 9 hours will obviously lead to incredibly bored observations. Every state in the +1 has a clever tag on its number plate. For example, North Carolina’s reads ‘First in Flight’. Beeecaaaauseee the Wright Brothers tested their plane there. Washington DC’s reads ‘Taxation without Representation’. Whatever THAT was about, I dunno…

But it got me thinking. Since +254 is instituting counties, it would be kinda cool for each to have its own number plate. Complete with snazzy catch phrase. I can see it now…

*Kogelo - We run the World!

*Kasarani – The 24 Hour Economy

*Kitui – Noo Va!

I realize now that the hardest place to be a Kenyan is in Kenya. The guys in DC were super cool & didn’t even charge me for my temporary documents! & we chapad stories about the Hague-ees (patent pending) & why they had bottiz of Kibao in the display case for Kenyan products! Aki Kenyans…

I finally have to concede that the +1 is pretty awesome. There are little to no Vitz’ (my resident Redneck Billy Rae said, “My V8 has misfires bigger than that car”). The people are well behaved (for the most part). The infrastructure is MAAAAD! & you can get anything you want if you work hard enough. True story. & you’ll be paying bills for the rest of your natural life, but heeeey…

So I guess it’s to the +254 very soon. It has been missed, but its sub was pretty cool. & if anyone sees a passport with a random Kenyan qubaff’s picture on it, holla!

Wale SI Sisi

Still in the +1 (It’s kinda arrogant to give yourself that code. But hey…), & some the differences between here & back home (read +254) range from the very subtle to the stupendous. Let me just say that +1 isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Rather than a horde of inbred Rednecks waiting at the airport to shout unprintables at the immigrants, most people are actually chilled out. But as a Kenyan, some of the systems would never, EVER work back home! The exhibits are as follows:

a)     Da Brat JUST got out of jail. She served three years and will be on probation for seven. For hitting someone in the face! ATI!? In Kenya you have to commit murder SEVERALLY to get that kind of sentence!

b)     If you buy something from a shop & it doesn’t work, you can take it back! To any outlet in the country! & get a full refund!! Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Now, in MY country…

c)      If you thought weaves in Kenya were bad, huku it’s murderous. EVERYONE has one, ranging from up comers to senior citizens. The justification is that it’s cheaper than braiding (which it isn’t, anyway). My question is: none of your friends know how to braid? In MY country…

d)     I haven't seen a single accident since I came. People are almost always very civil on the road. My mom’s friend told me of how here recently arrived cousin drove on the pavement ati kuhepa jam. Hehe, the police were not amused.

e)     The police will ALWAYS find you if you do something wrong. You’d rather just turn yourself in & save the embarrassing cameo on ‘Cops’ (which is hilarious!). Now, in MY country…

f)       Most houses don’t have fences. (?) It sounds like a wierd observation, I know. But you need to remember that in Kenya most houses have fences so elaborate you’d think it’s a De Beers outpost…

g)     Priorities, priorities. This is to Jose & Tyrone. When your rims are more expensive than your car and/or your house… Some Ting Wong!

h)    Contrary to popular belief, you CAN beat your children. & know I know for a fact, you MUST beat your children! My mother would have killed ¾ of these whiny children if we were in the +254. Oh, the US constitution states that a guardian can discipline a child ‘using reasonable & appropriate force bar deadly force’. & all the Kenyan parents said…

i)       You can get food delivered to your house. Now, let’s think for a sec. You deliver said pizzas to Omosh, Wafula and Kimani. In Dandora. Let’s just say not leaving with the money is the LEAST of your worries!

In a very strange way, I do miss my country. OK, I lie. I miss the people, though. Be thankful that you were born in Kenya even if you don’t like it there. It’s so messed up that when you do go to a place where systems work, you’re golden. True story.

P.S. Happy New Year! Try doing something different for 2011… do what YOU want!

Hazards of Manhood

A close friend of mine has been going through some stuff.  At first I thought what he was going through was pretty isolated, but it turns out a lot of guys do too. So pay close attention, majamaa. You may learn something, because I did.

For anonymity purposes (& because it’s cool!), let’s call said friend Q.

So Q has been going out with his girl for a while. He puts it at past a year. & in this world we live in, that’s longer than most marriages. Shame… Anyway, he’s quite fond of her and would never do anything to hurt her or what they have. Sounds pretty nice, eh?

Enter the problem. Q met an attractive young woman and they got to talking. (Makes it sound classier than what actually happens, no?)  Then came the texting. Then the calling (Club 20, a gift and a curse). & when two consenting adults call each other for that long that late at night, you kinda come up to the place where you talk about.. Well… Physical stuff.

It really bugs Q that he has so much fun with ‘attractive young woman’ & something in him wants to see if she can back up that smack talk from all those nights. She kept at him for them to hook up. & he wanted to, with all of his might he did. The suspense and danger seemed to be too much for him. But he loves his girl, & their relationship is doing fine. Enter the problem: why create a problem where there is none?  Why the attraction to something so potentially dangerous?

A wise woman (#Thogi) once told me: “No woman wants to be Number Two. If some girl knows you have a girlfriend, AND she’s still on your stories…” Let’s just say she’s not looking for a happy ending. Now the problem of being a man in such a situation is that you never, EEEVER think said woman has an ulterior moment. That would mean questioning yourself, your ‘game’, your masculinity. & we can’t have that, can we? & besides, she doesn’t know me or my girl. Why would she want to sabotage our relationship?

This is not justification for what others have done before me or any other man.  Just that every man needs to understand that this madness may be bubbling under his surface. I once heard one of my friends say, “If you eat Filet Mignon every night, sometimes you just want fries.” This would explain why someone with an insanely hot woman would cheat on her with… You know. Eww.

It all comes down to your moral compass, what you think is right or wrong. As for Q, we’ll never know if he did the right thing. Or the damned thing…

P.S: Happy Holidays! ‘tis the season… To remember the original reason for the day.

Excursion To The North

I may have been here (here being North Carolina, USA) only a few weeks, but as the inquisitive Kenyan that I am, I've learnt a great deal. From mostly being inside the house, because us of the darker skin pigmentation were NOT built for winter (we'll get to that). Here's 10 things the Kenyan in me has had to deal with so far...


1. Kenyans are EVERYWHERE! & if they find out you're from the +254, its a celebration! Oh, and tribalism only exists in Kenya. Go figure.

2. Be ready for stupid questions like "You can speak English?!" or "They have internet in your country?!". Almost stabbed some schoopid woman. With my Bic Fine. Forgive them, for they do not know...

3. Oh, internet is SOOO a basic need! I see it now...

4. Pardon my French, but school is RUBBISH! Repeat after me, "All you need is YouTube..."

5. As a result of being able to get EVERYTHING, from food to A CAR, to your house, there is little need to ever venture out of it. Enter YouTube clips on weight loss excercise...

6.The stuff with "70% Discount" written on it is actually much cooler than the normal stuff. Ama its the Kenyan in me, hmmm...

7. Credit cards are evil. Avoid them with the same intensity you would chlamydia.

8. The shortest distance between two points has always been a straight line. But thanks to motorways, a 1km trip turns into a 5km one! Thika Road massive, be prepared...

9. Not ONCE since I came here have I seen dust or mud. So I've never had to clean my shoes, clothes & nearly forgot I have allergies...

10. HD is VERY serious. I learnt this when watching Titanic (circa the Second World War) and was a groupie for the ship sinking scene. Shindwo.


Very randomly, Kenyans have a terminology for other Kenyans who've just arrived in the States. They call them "Fresh off the Boat". Now I'm not one to draw parallels, but HEEEEE????